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5 Good Reasons to Start Smoking

I was recently faced with a traumatizing and seemingly insurmountable problem: smokers. Chronic smokers. Chronic smokers who moved into the unit directly below my well-ventilated and beautifully adorned yoga space.

My gut reaction? Cry. Cry, and then get angry. Cry, get angry, and then run to the nearest real estate agent and sell. However, on deeper analysis, I discovered that if you cut through all the media hype about how smoking is BAD for you (I pride myself on thinking outside the box), you can actually find several good reasons to start.

Here are my Top 5 Reasons to Start Smoking (if you don’t have a habit already):

1. The Smell Factor. Consider: if you stink, the chances are good you’re blissfully unaware of those who stink around you. Think about it. Would you rather have your olfactory functions assaulted by the reek of others, or have others assaulted by yours? Ignorance is bliss, my friends.

2. The Cool Factor. Don’t let anyone tell you smoking isn’t cool. I’ve got verifiable proof: brooding mobster Robert DeNiro in “Casino?” Jazzy John Travolta in “Grease?” What about Badass Brad Pitt in “Fight Club?” Cool. Cool. And cool. I rest my case.

3. The Environment Factor. Okay, I’m not stupid. I know smoking’s bad for the environment and, hey, who doesn’t’ love Mother Earth? That’s why you should smoke in your own home. The smaller the room the better: before long your kitchen (insert room of choice) will smell like a 1950's jazz club! Better yet, the nagging non-smokers will stop visiting. Score!

4. The Cancer Factor. Overwhelming statistics show that smoking causes cancer. Cancer causes weight loss. Need I say more?

5. The Final Factor. Even if you don’t get the Big C, you’re almost guaranteed some suffocatingly serious respiratory disorder. With luck, your breathing will be so laboured that you won’t be able to work. And if you have insurance, you won’t have to work and you’ll still get paid!

Note: if you don’t have a health plan, either sign up before you light up or refer back to reasons #1 through #4 for motivation.

Suffice it to say, the initial response to my new neighbours was misguided. Now, the first thing I do when I get up in the morning is whip out an ultra light. I’m a much happier person for it. As they say: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

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